When a grandparent dies, the grandchildren may or may not actively mourn. Their unique responses depend, of course, on the unique relationships each of them had with the grandparent.

Some children are extremely close to their grandparents; they may see them frequently and even overnight with them. In some cases grandparents even assume a primary parenting role for their grandchildren. When a grandparent to whom a child is close dies, the child can be profoundly affected. On the other hand, in our highly mobile culture some grandchildren rarely, if ever, see their grandparents. Naturally, these children may not express a need to mourn when a long-distance grandparents dies.

Still, don't assume that distance in child-grandparent relationships determines the depth of feelings. A child who lives down the street from his grandmother may feel less close to her than a child whose far-away grandmother writes, calls or visits often. We also know that many children feel disenfranchised after the death of a grandparent if the death is not openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. You may have heard people say, "Well, it was only his grandparent. The child has to have known that the grandparent would die someday." Obviously, these kinds of comments don't allow for the "teach me" philosophy I advocate.

In families where grandparents were strong matriarchs or patriarchs, there is often a ripple-effect across generations as the family unit struggles to redefine itself. Perhaps the family doesn't get together as often as it did before grandma's death. Now the children may not see their cousins and aunts and uncles as often as they did before, creating a compounded sense of loss. The personality of the grandparent also influences children's responses. Some older adults are naturals with children and the kids feel very close to them. Other older adults may have a difficult time relating to young children. Therefore, they may be around the children but still not create any kind of emotional bond.

A personal example might help illustrate here. When I was growing up, I had very different relationships with-and feelings for-my two grandmothers. One grandma was nurturing and supportive; in her eyes I could do no wrong. When she died and her loving personality was gone, I felt a deep sense of loss and sadness. My other grandmother was hypercritical and a strict disciplinarian. Often she made me feel ashamed. When she died, I had more mixed feelings. I still missed her and grieved her death, but I did not miss her personality and the way she sometimes made me feel.

As always, the key in companioning children through grief after the death of a grandparent is to let the children teach you about what the death means to them. Then, support them non-judgmentally in their need-or lack of need-to mourn the death.

About the Author

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and presents more than 100 grief-related workshops each year across North America. Among his newest publications are the books Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Kids and Healing The Grieving Child's Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers. For more information, write or call The Center for Loss and Life Transition, 3735 Broken Bow Road, Fort Collins, Colorado 80526, (970) 226-6050.